Swimming a poem - Poetry Month 2013 - Day 11

Swimming a Poem

                        - for Hunter


Ian & Hunter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A fifteen year old

freshman
on his high school
swim team, Hunter
glides through water
as if he were a poem
slinging rhymes
in the air.
This young swimmer
working with his team mates
forms
nothing less
than an orchestra
playing a concerto
for the rest of us.
His is an example
of a body in harmony
with itself, a teenager
balancing
home, school
and friendships
and who makes his grandma
proud. As does his dad,
Ian, who drives
his son
to practice,
waits for him
every day.
-Esther Altshul Helfgott

Books as Wares, Poetry Month 2013 - Day 10

 

Books as Wares:

A response to those who think celebrating publications on Facebook is elitist


I would say that

intellectual elitism

means
one lords one’s way of life
and thinking
over someone else’s
way of life
and thinking
and that she believes
people who don't get
advanced degrees
for whatever reason -
lack of opportunity
and funds,
emotional
or
cultural
intimidation,
language challenges,
choice,
and so on -
are less than.

In another matter
or perhaps the same -

arrogance walks with
and assumes
an air of superiority
one who is overbearing in her claims.
Professors and teachers often
have this problem
because they're taught
and paid to be
expert in their subjects.
In my view,
the challenge for experts
is how to leave their professorial
and pedantic
manners
in the classroom.
This is not to say 
that experts who write
and craft books
who spend their time editing and proofing
and reading and re-reading
so others can learn the subjects 
they're expert in,
should hide the finished work they do.

When their articles and books are published,

experts have as much right to show their wares -
that is what books and articles (and poems) are
wares (products of work)
as the hats of hat designers are wares
as the cabinets of cabinet makers are wares
and the bridges or houses of architects
and the working-pipes of plumbers
as the electrician’s exacting light-fixtures
as the hairstyles of hairdressers
are wares and the dance of the dancer.
Any ware, any product - especially books
in my opinion - working
to move our poor suffering
lot of humanity
forward
is worthy
of Facebook
display
and celebration. 
-Esther Altshul Helfgott

Poetry Month 2013 – Day 9

What does it mean to sleep with stuffed animals?


 Ian with his beloved Batman

To put one’s hopes and love
into a transitional object,
such as a teddy bear or hippo
or even a Wonder Woman doll?
Everyone has stuffed animals.
Sherry Turkle’s robots at MIT
have them.
They have toys and dolls
and vast numbers of other playthings.
But tell me,
do human children
really feel better
when they sleep with stuffed animals?
What does it mean to them?
I want to know
because
I’ve never slept with one -
ever.
 - Esther Altshul Helfgott

The Packages - for Jackie - Poetry Month 2013 - Day 8

The Packages 

                  -for Jackie

Inside the packages
she found on her steps this morning
were forty volumes of books she edited
and opened after her ten-mile run.
This girl-woman who is my daughter
produces more in  half a day
(keinahorah -
toi toi - the evil eye
shouldn't get her)
than most people
produce
in weeks of whole days.
How she does this
is beyond me
 but for better or worse -
wear and tear on joints
notwithstanding -
this girl-woman
daughter
mother-teacher
is a scholar
who,
like the waitress
she was throughout
her school years,
looks intellectual elitism in the eye.
For that I am most proud,
and I promise to forgive her
the next time
she texts
while
talking to me.
        - Esther Altshul Helfgott

 

 

Poetry Month 2013 - Day 7

Almost three years since his death and he still has my back

The way he looks at me from his picture frame

his eyes twinkling as if he were alive again
his nonchalant leaning on the ferry rail
his hair mussed
in the wind
the San Juan Islands
we just left
telling me:
take this trip
again.

         -Esther Altshul Helfgott

Poetry Month 2013 - Day 6

Neighbors
          

Point your bullet where ever you like in my body
I will die today, but my homeland will live tomorrow
Be careful, Palestine is a red line.

                                                   - Amer Nassar (d 2013, age 17)

No land is mine
If land belongs to any one
it belongs to God (not that I believe).
The path to peace
is mindset
not history
is not our destiny,
nor is a text
which people wrote
for social control
and self-protection,
not for neighborly love.

Criticize me if you wish (and I know you will)
but, as a Jew, I object when synagogues raise children
to make Aliyah – to occupy land and not make peace
and that a two-state solution
is still

out of reach.

Everyone needs a home,

a roof and food to eat
but home need not
mean
Homeland
is a religious concept
that fights peace
     - but implicitly -
on all sides.

My beloved aunt, may she rest in peace,

believed the land is “ours. We belong here,”
she told me before she died.
She was wrong,
and I protect her memory by saying so.

When I came home to America

which has always been my home
- and I’m grateful for it -

I was told by some that you just left Home.

To that, I say Bullshit.
I am a middle-class American Jew
with food to eat and medical care.
I have no right to complain
that I am not Home -
or that I don’t have a home -

just because I’m not in eretz yisrael.

As Jews, our place in the world

is to help others -
to perform mitzvot -
not to shoot.
That doesn’t mean we don’t protect ourselves
but as we protect ourselves
we place our arms around others
first and foremost
around a table
in a circle
not in front of
or behind
a red or a blue
or a green line.

As for religion,

how presumptuous to think that I -
or anyone else – male, female,
Christian, Muslim, or Jew -
might know (believer or not) what God wants.

What I do know is that people

want peace -
and not through war
and hatred
and killing.
We are not born to hate
but to seek comfort
and love
and to give it in return.

-Esther Altshul Helfgott
4/6/13

 

Poetry Month 2013 - Day 5

A Man, Part 3

Meeting his wife was easy. She lived next door.
They walked to elementary school, junior high
and high school together. Then college.
They played Bridge, went to concerts and museums.
They took trips and read the Great Books.
They were married twenty-five years.
Then she got cancer, and in six weeks she was dead.
Now he sat on the porch.
We had a good life together, he told the dog.
But if I could do it over again,
I would have let her have the child
she wanted.

- Esther Altshul Helfgott






Part 2 of A Man

Part 1 of A Man

Poetry Month 2013 - Day 4

The Man

Part 2 of A Man

When the man came home from walking his dog

he sat on his porch and contemplated the one star
he could find in the sky this night. He thought of his wife,
five years dead, and the unfilled time of her absence.

Not that he wouldn’t have liked the company of others,

         -  especially another woman -
but it wasn’t his way to venture outside himself.
 
Sometimes the man sat on his porch waiting
for the next day to arrive.
When it did, he went inside, showered,
dressed, ate a bowl of cereal
               -  today it was Corn Flakes  -
 and took the dog for her morning walk.

When they got home,

he filled the dog’s dish with kibble

and a larger bowl with water.
He rubbed his dog’s belly, gave her a kiss
and went back down to Boeing  to work on the aircraft again.
                                                         - Esther Altshul Helfgott

 

Poetry Month 2013 - Day Three

A man

A man sits down to supper with a bowl of soup.

After eating, fully dressed, he climbs into bed.
The overhead light he forgot to turn off
watches him in his sleep. His dog lies next to him.
A neighbor calls but the man doesn’t hear the ring.
The dog’s ears point to the ceiling. The man stirs.
The dog licks his owner’s face. The man gets up
to go to the bathroom. He puts on his shoes,
brushes his teeth and takes the dog out -
the overhead light still on.

-          Esther Altshul Helfgott

Poetry Month 2013 - Day Two

I said I wouldn’t pay attention to you
I have too many other things to do.

But when’s the last time I paid attention to me

I’m taking my girls out for pancakes and tea.

We’ll sit at the table and honor our pen

as it stories the page to find an interesting end.

                                                  -Esther Altshul Helfgott

 

Poetry Month 2013 - Day One

Poetry Month 2013: Accepting the Challenge
                                         -  for Ann Teplick

Challenge yourself to write a short poem,
writes my friend Ann to our Wordsmith Group
But April and Poetry Month notwithstanding,
I say dear Ann, I’ve no time for fun.

Says Ann to our 6 woman writing group
I need to know others are with me.
But Ann, I answer, I haven’t the time.
Esther, we’re wordsmiths for better or worse

I need to know others are with me.
But Ann, my book’s not finished, I’ve no time for fun.
Wordsmithing comes in many forms, Esther
Writing in poem will get your editing done.

Ok, so my book’s not finished and I’ve no time for fun
but friendship is sacred. Dear Ann, you’ve won.
Yes, writing in poem will get my editing done
So I accept your challenge, Ann, to write a short poem -- at least this one.
 - Esther Altshul Helfgott

"Serendipity in the University of Washington Archives: Dr. Helen Remick, The Little School, Buxbaum and Courtesy Markers"

Updates on my Writing Edith Buxbaum blog includes

"Serendipity in the University of Washington Archives: Dr. Helen Remick ..."

Raven Chronicles writing workshop for Alzheimer's caregivers & their friends

Alzheimer's cafe encourages writing by caregivers + a Raven Chronicles Writing & Alzheimer’s workshop at Jack Straw Productions

RAVEN CHRONICLES presents “Writing the Alzheimer’s Experience: A Workshop for Caregivers and Friends of People with Alzheimer’s Disease” taught by Esther Altshul Helfgott

Write to develop a greater understanding of what caregivers experience. Whether your loved one is at home or in a facility – three thousand miles away or next door – writing will help you counter isolation and erase the stigma associated with Alzheimer’s Disease. Prior writing experience isn’t necessary, and we’ll write in any form – memoir, poem, essay, fragments, lists, whatever you discover. We’ll use writing triggers from Beyond Forgetting: Poetry and Prose about Alzheimer’s Disease, edited by Holly J. Hughes (Kent State University Press, 2009).

Raven Chronicles’ Office, Jack Straw Foundation/Warren Building 909 N.E. 43rd St., Suite No. 205

Sunday, May 6, 2012; 1:00 - 3:30 p.m. $35.00

E-mail your intent to register, to: editors@ravenchronicles.org

 

Thanks for stopping by,

Esther

Alzheimer’s Cafe, Seattle – Tues. March 13th, at Mae’s

from Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View
by
Esther Altshul Helfgott

The AARP Bulletin reports that “Alzheimer’s cafés offer a safe and supportive space for patients, caregivers and loved ones to share similar experiences and chat over refreshments.

Mae's, Yummy

Each café varies in setting, from schools to pubs. The concept has resonated most with Europeans: More than 60 cafés exist in the Netherlands, and the United Kingdom is home to some 20 [as of April 2011]. The United States launched its first in Santa Fe, N.M., in 2008.

“It gives people permission to be themselves,” says Alzheimer’s expert Jytte Lokvig, who operates Santa Fe’s café, held monthly in a children’s museum.”

Seattle’s Alzheimer’s Cafe sponsored by the Greenwood Senior Center is held the second Tuesday of each month at Mae’s Phinney Ridge Café, 6412 Phinney Ave N.
This month’s St. Patricks Day Gathering
Tuesday, March 13, 3:30-5:00 PM

Facilitated by Carin Mack, M.S.W., the Alzheimer’s Café provides * An opportunity to get out and socialize in a safe environment. *Good food and fun! * No judgment, no expectations—just support. *No cost other than the food ordered.

Questions? Carin Mack, MSW at 206-297-0875 or visit Greenwood Senior Center. Find street parking or park at the Phinney Neighborhood Center at 67th and Phinney .

Seattle could use more Alzheimer’s cafes. Here’s a bit of history on their development and a manual for creating one.
Seattle could use more Alzheimer’s cafes. Here’s a bit of history on their development and a manual for creating one.

Carin Mack and friend

Thanks for stopping by,
Esther

Resources:
*The Alzheimer’s Café: why it works by Gemma M. M. Jones
*Wide Spectrum: Dementia Education
*Online discussions: Alzheimer’s Foundation of America; Alzheimer’s Association online community
Videos: Staffordshire; Sante FE

He was never a ‘shadow’ to me

from Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View, March 9, 2012

by

Esther Altshul Helfgott

Last night's moon.
Photo by E.A.Helfgott

I normally don’t use the word “soul,” but I will today because I’m trying to understand why people use the word “shadow” to describe what happens to the Alzheimer’s patient as he or she begins losing memory and functionality.

Let’s say there is such a thing as a soul, a fundamental essence, something that’s always within a person, regardless of what happens to him or to her on the outside – in terms of looks, behavior, or circumstance.

Let’s say we meet someone in life whose soul touches ours so deeply that even if the two don’t always understand each other on a day-to-day basis or get along with one another all the time, something inside of each stays connected with the other.

Let’s say one of these people gets sick in such a way that most people don’t understand him anymore. Little by little this sick person loses his knowledge about the past, about who people are, what his relationship was with them, even with his wife and children.

Let’s say he’s even forgotten what position he held in the world. In fact, one day he asks his wife: “What kind of business was I in?” His wife says: “You were a doctor.” “A doctor?” he asks in surprise. “Yes, you were a doctor.” “That’s nice,” he says, and goes back to looking at a picture book.

Would you say that this man is a shadow of his former self? I wouldn’t. I’d say he was stricken with a disease that erased his memory and that this erasure stripped him of the capacity to live life the way he used to. He is not a shadow. He is who he always was; he’s just living differently now. His outside self, the one the world sees, has changed; but the inner self, call it a soul, is there. Take time to look. If you choose not to, or if you can’t, that doesn’t mean you’re looking at a shadow.

I never saw Abe as a shadow of a former self. To me, he was Abe until the moment he died. He might have lost his memory, his executive skills, body movements and a host of other things, but if there is such a thing as a soul, Abe’s was intact.

We’re all looking for the “right” way to be around Alzheimer’s. We’re searching for appropriate words to use, but language is difficult. We need to choose words that don’t diminish a person’s essence, that don’t make him or her less on the inside than he or she still is.

This morning’s New York Times included an article about the writer Jeanette Winterspoon (Arts, C31). She writes: “Whatever is on the outside can be taken away at any time. Only what is inside you is safe.” We need to keep people diagnosed with Alzheimer’s safe, especially from humiliation. People living with Alzheimer’s are not shadows. Let’s not make them so.

Emma, Lake Washington.
Photo by E.A. Helfgott

Thanks for stopping by,
Esther

It doesn't matter if they know you, visit

This morning I went to an Alzheimer’s Association fundraiser at the downtown Hyatt Hotel. I rarely go to such events, but a board member invited me to sit at his table; and it’s such a trustworthy organization, I went. This was a big deal for me because at 7:30 a.m. I do absolutely nothing outside my house except take care of Emma. If I’m still inside at that time, I’m reading or writing or trying to guess two or three words of a crossword puzzle.

I’m glad I went. It was good to hear people speaking publicly about Alzheimer’s and to be in a room with over 400 people giving their time, energy and money to research a disease that, in my daughter’s words, kicks people in the knees and doesn’t let them up.

The wonderful Connie Thompson of KOMO 4 News spoke about caring for her mom. The artist, Kevan Atteberry, talked about caring for his wife, Teri, who has early-onset Alzheimer’s. These two described what I know too well — life in extremity, where no matter what one does, the loved one will not get better.

When I came home, I talked on the phone to my daughter and, then, I walked Emma. A few blocks into our walk, I ran into an acquaintance. We got to talking about Alzheimer’s. (It’s been a year and nine months and I still I don’t know what else to talk about). She asked me: “Did he know you?” I told her what I tell everyone who asks me that question: “It didn’t matter if he knew me. He smiled when I came in. I made him happy.”

People with Alzheimer’s may not remember who you are, but they feel your presence. They know you’re there. Sit with them. Hold her hand. Scratch his back. Visit.

Thanks for stopping by,
Esther
3/7/12

from Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View

Writing the Alzheimer’s Experience: A Workshop for Caregivers

Writing was the one component missing for me when attending caregiver support groups (while Abe was alive) and grief groups (after his death), so I’ve been developing a writing class for caregivers of Alzheimer’s patients. Now I’m pleased to announce that it’s come to fruition at the Northwest Center for Creative Aging ... read more

Thanks for stopping by,

Esther

Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregivier's View - January 2012 update

It's been a long time since I've posted here. I've been putting most of my blogging energies into my Seattle P.I. blog "Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View" and, then, forgetting, or not having the energy, to post the blog entries here as well. Today I'm catching up. After Abe died I thought I'd stop the P.I. blog; but it's taken on a life of its own, so I continue. Alzheimer's has become a way of life in the modern world and people need as much information as they can get -- to help with understanding the disease and, most important, to develop a support system to help them care for their loved ones.

"Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View," which I began in 2008, a year and a half before Abe's death, is a blog entwined with the grief process. There are occasional reports on research here, and announcements of books and events; but this blog is primarily personal and idiosyncratic. Journal entries, poems, essays and fragments reflect the emotional and spiritual depth of my relationship to my husband, as I continue to experience the Alzheimer's years and his death. The blog functions as a place for me to explore dementia's impact, all the while it reflects my determination to re-discover myself through work, play and relationships, both new and long-term.

What follows here are my last two entries.

Happy New Year,

Esther

Aging in the Digital Age, January 2, 2012 

When Abe retired in 1996, he spoke about getting a Macintosh. That’s what we called Macs in the old days. I reverted to the original term recently when I bought myself a 13” Mac Air. My daughter laughed: “I haven’t heard MACs called that in a long time,” she said. Probably not since 1997 when Steve Jobs developed the MAC OS 8 and certainly not since 1998 when the IMAC came on the market. Nonetheless, I reverted to Macintosh and recalled the day when Abe and I went into the Apple store to begin his search for the just-right-computer. I had been using a PC since 1985 and wasn’t interested in going over to Apple, which didn’t happen until last month; but I was anxious, at the time, to see Abe put one into action. read more... AGING IN THE DIGITAL AGE

Let There Be Light & A Little Less Confusion Here , December 27, 2011

I don’t come from a religious family. My parents were Leftists, and as conflicted as that segment of the Jewish population is, they sent me and my sister to an Orthodox Sunday school – Shaarei Zion, in Lower Park Heights, Baltimore. My brother fared less well (or better); he had to go kicking and screaming to a real Hebrew School three times a week. read more ... LET THERE BE LIGHT

Found poem

http://blog.seattlepi.com/witnessingalzheimers/2011/09/23/found-nursing-home-note-circa-2007/

Meeting a blog-reader in a California book store

I don’t study site stats. I write because I need to and try not to let numbers interfere with my work. Whatever I’m doing, whether earning a BA, MA, or Ph.D. while raising my children, whether I’m working at Sears or a social service agency, or teaching, or being Grandma, I write because my mind goes to the page. It lands there — in someone else’s words or in my own. I don’t know who reads my writing.

So I was pleasantly surprised this weekend when I met a woman who actually reads my blog. Both her parents have Alzheimer’s. She found my site a couple years ago while looking for on-line resources. We became face book friends and discovered that she lives in the same town as my son; and, eerier still, she and Ian had worked together in a teachers’ summer writing institute. read more

Poeming the Silence at Greenwood Senior Center

I have added a second "Poeming the Silence" writing class for women at the Greenwood Senior Center Thur. Oct 13-Nov 17, 10 am-noon. Hope to see you there!

To register, call the center at 206.297.0875.

Of Yoga, Poetry, & Alzheimer's

This morning I did some yoga with my friend, Andrea. With her, the process of breathing the silence of self led me back to poetry, to the quiet between words that allows me relaxation and thinking time. To writing in poem.

The ending in this poem surprised me. I thought that when Abe’s arms reached out to me, I would return home to where I am actually living, but then the ground swelled up – with the connotation that I was going “home” (to the grave with him), certainly not a conscious thought. Perhaps other widows and widowers, and grievers in general, contain such feeling somewhere in their beings.

Grief counselors as metaphor

Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View update: I've been posting to the Alzheimer's blog sporadically. There are a few more entries since I was here last, including:

Grief Counselors: I hate when you tell me he’s not dead

Of foot rubs, graduate school and dreams

I thought I was finished with the topic of Alzheimer’s but obviously it’s not finished with me. So much for thinking I have a will to write what I want. Not that I ever have. In every phase of my academic life, WRITING – in reality or in my head – held me back. In both college and in graduate school, all the while I was supposed to be writing “papers” I was scrawling in my journal. I got my Masters degree because Abe stayed up all night with me so I would finish a sole paragraph on what my thesis was about. He sent it to my graduate advisor by special delivery at 4 am.
Read more

The 36-hour day revisited

by Esther Altshul Helfgott

Why it took me eight months to realize I was re-experiencing the 36-hour day* is beyond me. For some reason I thought that after a few months of rest I would be able to hop back into the world as if nothing had happened. My body knew better. I may not be Witnessing Alzheimer’s anymore but my psyche sure is, which tells me I need to cultivate a better understanding of what the I is, what the Self is. At least my I and my Self.

As those of you who have followed me here know, I have gone back and forth with this medium. Read more

Reading with Esther and Ann

RASP 7:00 pm. in Room 105
At the Old Redmond Schoolhouse Community Center (ORSCC) at 16600 NE 80th Street, Redmond, WA 98052

Jan 28, 2011

Esther's updates - Feminism & Work

Writing, Second-Wave Feminism, & Alzheimer's, Dec. 16, 2010

The Poetry of Work, Dec. 11, 2010

Caregiver update - They keep calling him

First thing this morning after Thanksgiving (which was very nice - thank you guests), the ACLU calls for Abe to give another donation. If it's not the ACLU, it's NARAL or Planned Parenthood, or the Democratic Party or the Simon Wiesenthal Center or Cornell Alumni, or Doctors Without Borders or a Native American Indian Center or an ambulance service in Israel, or or or. He wrote checks to everybody.

A reader wrote: "Since my dad's death I can't wait to throw away any fund-raising requests or newsletters I get in the mail about Alzheimers." Amen! Read more

Witnessing Alzheimer's update

Small steps
It's five months since Abe died and little by little I'm finding a new routine. It's not easy, and my steps are small. I think of the nursing-home vigil pretty much every day; and at times it seems my body longs to go back to that scenario, to mingle with patients and staff in the dining room and wander the halls waiting for this social worker or that. I went back a couple of times and will go again this holiday season; but, for the most part, I'm scared of the place. Scared I'll end up there myself. I wonder how many caregivers of Alzheimer's patients come away from the caregiving experience feeling the same. read more

Sitting In Front of Picasso's "Self-Portrait in Straw Hat," While Writing a Letter to Abe

Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View update, October 19, 2010

NOTE:
Jack Straw Productions curates SAM WORD, October 21, 2010, 7:30 - 8:30 pm, third floor galleries. I will be reading, along with Tara Roth and Denise Calvetti Michaels. Please join us in the third floor galleries.

J.W. Marshall & the Poetry of Illness

by Esther Altshul Helfgott

Of the mountain of books I have used to help me manage my life during Abe's illness, J.W. Marshall's Meaning A Cloud sits at the top. Marshall's first full-length collection of poetry, Meaning A Cloud carries us from the accident-site where he was struck by a car, to his Seattle neighborhood and, finally, through his mother's stroke and subsequent death in a nursing home. Read more

Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View - Our Parents: Mourning & Families of Origin

UPDATE

Alzheimer's resources

It's About Time Writers Reading Series #250

It's About Time Writers Reading Series #250
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Time: 6:00pm - 8:00pm
Location: Ballard Branch, Seattle Public Library
Street: 5614 22nd Ave. N.W.
City/Town: Seattle, WA


Thurs. June 10, 2010 #250 Selene David, Bruce Taylor, Anne Sweet
+Terry Grabstein on The Writer's Craft

Terry Grabstein earned a Certificate in Nonfiction Writing and a Certificate in Literary Fiction Writing from the University of Washington. She has contributed work to Writers in Performance Anthology, Mercer Island Reporter, The Leaflet, and Between the Lines. Silken Water, (Finishing Line Press, 2009), is her first poetry collection.

Selene David was raised in Virginia and wrote her first poem when she was 9 years old. She has been employed as a therapist for 23 years and continues to love writing poetry. Two of her poems were included in The Poet Within, edited by Diane Tait. Selene says she writes about everything she loves: family, friends, nature, spiritual practice, and love itself.

Bruce Taylor, aka “Mr. Magic Realism,” currently has a magic realist novella ”13 Miles to Paradise” in the collection Alembical. His other recent work, Edward: Dancing on the Edge of Infinity, (Redjack Press, introduction by Jay Lake) took eighteen years to get published. Bruce has his first of the Kafka’s Uncle series published by Afterbirth Books (nominated for the &NOW AWARD FOR INNOVATIVE WRITING (SUNY, NY, 2009) and with introduction by Brian Herbert) and has the other two (Kafka’s Uncle: the Unfortunate Sequel and Other Insults to the Morally Perfect and Kafka’s Uncle: The Ghastly Prequel and Other Tales of Love and Pathos from the World’s Most Powerful, Third-World Banana Republic out to various editors.
http://www.brucebtaylor.com/

M. Anne Sweet is a poet and artist. Her poetry collection, Nailed to the Sky, is out from Gazoobi Tales. She has read extensively throughout the Puget Sound area, and her poetry has appeared in many print and online literary journals. She is a past winner of the Bart Baxter Poetry in Performance Award. For more information, visit http://www.facebook.com/l/98e59;www.studiosixeight.com

March 2010 update

from Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View
Seattle P.I on-line

Ten week catch-up: lots of changes, yet none ...
March 23, 2010


I haven't been here at the blog for over two months. Lots of changes. But the more things change, the more they remain the same. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose - Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr

I went to Abe's yesterday afternoon. He was at the men's club meeting, so I stayed only a few minutes. A minister runs the group. They were talking about health care. No surprise. Congratulations, Mr. President!

Abe's the only one in the group with Alzheimer's. I have no idea what he understands, but he seemed to be listening. His condition is the same: wheel-chair bound; speaks only a few words.

One day he said a whole sentence: "Look who's here!" Another day while lying in bed, he said: "I'm scared." A few minutes later: "Who's that?" referring to people walking in the hall outside his room. That same evening he asked me: "Are you healthy?" Although confused, he was aware of his environment; and he seemed to know me.

The other day when it was warm outside but not warm enough to take him out, I wheel him to the window to see the sun. He points to the man on the motorcycle, delights in seeing a bus pass by, smiles at the woman coming back from the library, a stack of books in her arms. My car is directly below: I wonder if he'd react if he saw me downstairs.

When I get to my car, I look up. There he is in the window, his eyes glistening. He sees me. I wave, he waves back. I can't believe he's responding like this. We wave and wave. I'm jumping up and down. Here we are - me in the parking lot of the nursing home, Abe upstairs - a married couple still, waving to each other as if there's no tomorrow. I want to run back up to him, but I continue waving. I don't know how to get in the car.


I'm finding a balance between this Alzheimer's journey and other parts of my life. In the last two months I've gotten back to my research on Dr. Edith Buxbaum's psychoanalytic pedagogy in the Pacific Northwest. (Ok, so it's not the most exciting topic on earth, but it's mine; and I love to dig in the University of Washington's archives). Writing on Buxbaum leads me to her peers who are as fascinating as she was.

Since taking a leave from this blog I wrote an article for Washington State's on-line encyclopedia, HistoryLink, about educator, Eleanor Siegl, who started The Little School, one of the first alternative preschools in Seattle. Buxbaum was consultant to the school, and the two women were friends.

It's women's history month. I've been conducting interviews. Among them, octogenarians Pat Melgard and Marjorie Whittier Johnson who taught at The Little School and created its Central Branch after Martin Luther King was assassinated.

In addition to my research, I continue curating the It's About Time Writers' Reading Series at the Seattle public library, Ballard branch; and I teach my class Poeming the Silence.

In January I was awarded a Jack Straw Productions' residency. This means I attend workshops and receive audio training. It's a lot of fun. I work with a great group of people and I get to do a podcast. I'll let you know when it comes out.

I went to Hawaii for a few days, compliments of my daughter; and I let my hair grow. I'm walking more and I'm actually getting my hands into the ground to garden.

As for reading:

Mary Guterson, Gone to the Dogs (St. Martin's Press, New York, 2009)
Mary Guterson, We are all fine here (Putnam, New York, 2005)

Andre Gide, Madeleine (Elephant Paperbacks, 1998)

Taha Muhammad Ali, So What: New and Selected Poems: 1971-2005. Translated by Peter Cole, Yahya Hijazi, and Gabriel Levin (Copper Canyon Press, Port Townsend, 2006)

Adina Hoffman, My Happiness Bears No Relation to Happiness: A Poet's Life in the Palestinian Century (Yale University Press, New Haven, 2009)

Lucille Clifton, Generations: A Memoir (Random House, New York, 1976)
Lucille Clifton, The Book of Light (Copper Canyon Press, Port Townsend, 1993)

I forgot what else I read. Nothing on Alzheimer's. I can't. Some books by John Dewey connected with my research. It's been a good 10 weeks. I'll talk to you again soon.

Thanks for stopping by,

Esther

October 2009 update

2 pubs this month:

"My Father's Tzimmes, 1956" in Switched-on-Gutenberg
"Fragments from An Alzheimer's Journey" over at FragLit

Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View - Goodbye for now

I'll be reading at Hugo House with the Switched-on-Gutenberg contributors Thurs. Oct. 15th. We'll be in the cafe. 7:30 pm. You can get a bite to eat, have some wine and catch the readings from issues 14 "Science and Technology" and Issue 15 "Gains and Losses”. Guess which one I'm in.

Don't forget It's About Time Thurs night.

See you soon,
Esther

Sept. 2009 Updates

The It's About Time Writers Reading Series has its own blog now. We are also on facebook.

The Poeming the Silence blog is now activated.

See you soon,

Esther

Don't think he's not in there

previous updates at Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View

I'm lucky in rabbis

Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View

Keeping you posted

Abe update

It's About Time Writers Reading Series#239

Thursday, July 9, 2009
Time: 6:00pm - 7:45pm
Location: Ballard library
Street: 5614 22nd Ave. N.W.
City/Town: Seattle, WA

Authur Tulee, Jeff Encke, Jane Alynn + Laura McKee on The Writer's Craft

Laura McKee holds a B.A. in French and English from the University of Utah, and an M.F.A from the University of Washington. Her work has appeared in Rhino, Mid-American Review, Campbell’s Corner, Identity Theory, Konundrum, Cutbank, and Denver Quarterly. Her book, Uttermost Paradise Place, was chosen this year by Claudia Keelan for the APR Honickman 1st Book Prize and will be published in the fall. She works at Cornish College of the Arts.

Arthur Tulee was born and raised on the Yakama Indian Reservation and graduated from Washington State University in 1990, receiving a B.A. in English. He is currently living and working in the Seattle metropolitan area. He is excited to read all brand new material for this It's About Time.

Jane Alynn is a poet and fine-art photographer. Alynn’s first collection of poems, Threads & Dust, was published by Finishing Line Press in 2005. Her poems have appeared in numerous journals, such as Calyx, Floating Bridge Review, The Pacific Review, Quercus Review, Manorborn, Snowy Egret, StringTown, and Switched-on Gutenberg, as well as in many anthologies. In 2004 she was awarded a William Stafford Award from Washington Poets Association. She holds an MFA in Creative Writing from Antioch University Los Angeles and currently lives in Anacortes.

Jeff Encke taught writing and criticism at Columbia University for several years, serving as writer-in-residence for the Program in Narrative Medicine while completing his PhD in English in 2002. He now teaches literature at Richard Hugo House. His poems have appeared in or forthcoming from American Poetry Review, Barrow Street, Bat City Review, Black Warrior Review, Colorado Review, Fence, Kenyon Review Online, Salt Hill, and Tarpaulin Sky, among others. In 2004, he published Most Wanted: A Gamble in Verse, a series of love poems addressed to Saddam Hussein and other Iraqi war criminals printed on a deck of playing cards.

Music: for memory, healing & art's sake

June 5, 2009

Rosewood, Uncle Benny, Abe & Alzheimer's

It turns out I had early training in Alzheimer's care. I grew up with a mentally impaired and physically disabled uncle, whom I adored. He lived in an institution called Rosewood, actually the Rosewood State Training School for Boys, out Reisterstown Rd. in Owings Mill, Md., about an hour north of where the Helfgott and Altshul clans lived in Baltimore city.

read more

Is Art Betrayal?

It's a dangerous mission. You/could die out there. You /could go on forever. Tess Gallagher, Instructions to the Double

Frye Art Museum
Sunday, May 3, 2009

As soon as I go to the podium, I want Abe. In my mind, I leave, run to the nursing home to be with him. I don't belong in this space. Something is wrong. I'm supposed to talk about my poem Spouse as Home but I can't speak. I can't look at my notes. What I'm doing is unethical. My body tells me this.

read more

Beyond Forgetting: Poetry & Prose about Alzheimer's Disease - Reading at Frye Museum

May 3, 2009
2 pm

Frye Art Museum
704 Terry Avenue
Seattle, Washington
98104
(206) 622-9250

I'll be reading. Hope you can make it!
Tickets are free. Pick them up at the front desk

Beyond Forgetting is a unique collection of poetry and short prose about Alzheimer’s disease written by 100 contemporary writers—doctors, nurses, social workers, hospice workers, family members —whose lives have been touched by this tragic disease. Through the transformative power of writing, their words enable the reader to move “beyond forgetting,” beyond the stereotypical portrayal of Alzheimer’s disease to honor the dignity of those afflicted. Published in spring 2009 by Kent State University Press as part of their Literature and Medicine series and with a foreword by poet Tess Gallagher, this anthology forms a richly textured, literary portrait encompassing the full range of the experience of caring for someone with Alzheimer’s disease.

The Frye is honored to host the first public reading from Beyond Forgetting. Readers are poet Tess Gallagher, editor/poet Holly Hughes, and contributors Jane Alynn, Lana Hechtman Ayers, Joanne Clarkson, Nancy Dahlberg, John Davis, Alice Derry, Arthur Ginsberg, Joseph Green, Esther Altshul Helfgott, Denise Calvetti Michaels, and Kay Mullen. The book will be available for purchase at the event.
Related Items
Readings

Alzheimer Node

My blog today is the result of Poetry through the Ages
If you haven't seen it, give a click, especially the node section.

Gay Marriage, Kabbalah & Abe

For more entries at Witinessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View, seattlepi.com, check blog archive.

It's About Time Writers, May 14, 2009

Thurs. May 14, 2009 #237 features Rochelle Kochin, Carmen Germain, Josh Isaac + Emily Warn on The Writer's Craft.

Emily Warn is the author of The Leaf Path, The Novice Insomniac, and Shadow Architect all from Copper Canyon Press in 2008. Her poems and essays appear in Poetry, The Kenyon Review, Blackbird, BookForum, The Bloomsbury Review, and The Writer’s Almanac. She has taught creative writing for Lynchburg College in Virginia, was a Stegner Fellow at Stanford University and most recently served as the founding editor of poetryfoundation.org. She will be speaking on Poetry and Personal Identity.

Rochelle Kochin and her husband Levis Kochin live in Seattle where they raised their four children. Since retiring from Boeing, Rochelle spends her time writing, traveling and telling stories to her American and Israeli grandchildren. Her short story Angel of Death appeared in the second volume of Drash.

Joshua Isaac, 36, has been expressing himself creatively since childhood with several published pieces of poetry, prose and an award winning documentary film. But his work has been defined by his ongoing eleven year battle with cancer. This Seattle native finds that his greatest gifts are his wife and three children. Josh's film "My Left Hand" is at http://mylefthand-themovie.com/default.aspx

Carmen Germain is a co-director of the Foothills Writers Series, Peninsula College, Port Angeles. Pathwise Press published Living Room, Earth, in 2002, and Cherry Grove published These Things I Will Take with Me in 2008. On academic sabbatical in 2007-2008, Carmen was a Visiting Artist/Scholar at the American Academy in Rome, working on a manuscript and researching the work of the Italian post-war writer Elsa Morante. She and her husband live in northern British Columbia in the summer.

Diaries and such

Writing, technology & another good moment - April 10, 2009
at the Seattle Post-Intelligencer on line

Witnessing Alzheimer's update

Food, Writing and your loved ones - April 6, 2009

Small annoyances - April 1, 2009

Let me call you sweetheart - March 31, 2009

Dental hygiene - March 29, 2009

of pain & dying - March 28, 2009

Memory Loss Seminar - Everett/Edmonds - April 3

Memory Loss Seminar - Everett/Edmonds - April 3
Thanks to reader Leslie Larson, I bring you the following information:

SEMINAR: Putting the Pieces Together - How to Support Friends and Family Dealing with Memory Loss Issues with Teepa Snow, Dementia Care and Training Specialist

April 3, 2009
2 locations!
Please pre-register
Space is limited
F R E E

9:30 AM - 12:00 Noon
Trinity Episcopal Church
2301 Hoyt Avenue
Everett WA 98201
Call to register:
425-252-4129

1:30 PM - 4:00 PM
Edmonds United
Methodist Church
828 Caspers Street
Edmonds, WA 98020
Call to register:
425-670-8984
Ext. 22

You will learn:
• The symptoms of various memory loss diseases.
• Communication strategies that work.
• How to cope with and effectively handle a broad
range of difficult behaviors.
• Strategies to maintain meaningful activities and
relationships without diminishing your health (mental
and physical).
• Snohomish County has many excellent community
resources specializing in family caregiving issues.

The Communities of Faith / Family Caregiver Workshops
are underwritten by the Snohomish County Family Caregiver Network, www.snocare.org and the Alzheimer's Associations of Western and Central Washington, www.alzwa.org

Department of Human Services Director Kenneth Stark ken.stark@snoco.org
Snohomish County Executive Aaron Reardon county.executive@snoco.org

More info at Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View

Alzheimer's Association Regional Conference

Alzheimer's Association Regional Conference
Supporting the Resilient Mind

Friday, April 24th, from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m., at the Washington State Convention Center.

According to Keri Pollock of the Western and Central Washington State Chapter of the Alzheimer's Association: This year's conference will be our 24th annual and promises to be the best yet.

We offer a special family caregiver rate of $40.00, which includes 3 workshops, two keynote speakers, information, resources, and a lovely plated lunch. We intentionally developed a family caregiver track, knowing how hungry caregivers are for hands-on, relevant training, and a day in the company of others with whom they can share, connect, and relate.

There is also a pre-conference day of sessions on Thurs. April 23rd.

For information, contact:
Keri Pollock (Heinen)
Communications Director
Western and Central Washington State Chapter
ph. 206.363.5500 ext 246
www.alzwa.org

More info at Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View

from Witnessing Alzheimer's

2 more entries


Hands March 15, 2009

poem making March 16, 2009

Reading & Writing

from my blog, Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View, at the Seattle Post-Intelligencer on-line, March 13, 2009

Bluebeard's Castle & Jewish Law

from Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View, Seattle P.I., March 10, 2009

Saturday night I went with a friend to see Bluebeard's Castle. I don't know much about opera, but I can't imagine another troupe putting on a better rendition of Bluebeard or Erwartung than the Seattle Opera did. A spectacular evening. Except I wasn't in the right frame of mind to go to the opera or anywhere else. It's true what they say about the long goodbye. One is forever in a state of mourning, so no matter how stunning the settings, the orchestra, the arias, I am hard-pressed to find joy in a musical night out. read more

Still Alice

Thanks to a reader I met on facebook, I picked up a copy of Still Alice this weekend, a gripping read. I couldn't put it down.

For those who are living through Alzheimer's, whether as caregiver or victim, I understand why you wouldn't want to read one more sentence about Alzheimer's. After years of dealing with the disease and studying this opinion and that, reader's fatigue sets in. But Still Alice will pick you up again. It's all about the idea of self and its practical manifestations in every day life. Though Genova doesn't use these words - the language is mine and she may disagree - for me the characters of Alice and her husband, John, demonstrate first hand the relationship between ego and self.

read more

March 6, 2009, Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View

Cheekbones

Abe was so beautiful tonight. We've been married 27 years and have known each other 28, but in all that time I don't think I've noticed his cheekbones.

He slept in his wheelchair throughout my visit. I sat on his bed and watched him. He's lost about 50 pounds. His face is thin and sculpted. He is pure Abe, pristine and whole. His cheekbones are stunning.

I'm taken aback. On the one hand, absence of his beard has upset me more than I initially thought it would (I've asked them not to shave him again); on the other hand, the shaven face has allowed me to see newness where I hadn't before. Newness, as in a new-born's newness, absent of scars and blemishes that come with living.

read more
March 4, 2009, Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View

Nursing Home Break: Irene Drennan & the Red Sky Poetry Reading at Hugo House

from Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View at the Seattle Post-Intelligencer on line

Just home from the dog park and a good walk with Emma. I always forget the digital camera. You should have seen Emma next to a 160 pound St. Bernard. Big as she is her 75 pounds could have walked under him.

I had planned to go to see Abe after the dog park; but all night long I dreamed of driving to the home, getting out of the car with a bottle of water, forgetting the water somewhere, then not being able to find his room once off the elevator and on the right floor. The dream goes on and on, I'm back in graduate school, then years earlier to when my kids were little and old age was something I didn't know about.

So I didn't go to the nursing home. The dream helped me not go. I went home instead, dried Emma off and came here to decide what poem's I'll read tonight. I don't know if I'll get to Abe's today or not.

Today and night I spend time with my friend and writing group sister, Irene Drennan. Irene died in August and tonight Red Sky is paying her tribute with a reading at Hugo House, 7 pm. Poets in both of Irene's writing groups are reading.

From the the Seattle Five Plus One group are Anne Sweet and Priscilla Long and from the Daughters of Dementia, I'll be reading along with Diane Westergaard and Denise Calvetti Michaels.

The Daughters met at my house for two of the years that I cared for Abe at home so Irene and the others were very much a part of us and Abe a part of them. I think I'll read a couple of poems I wrote when in the group with her and some she always laughed at. The poems will help me hear her laugh again. She had such a great laugh. You can see it here MsgAttachment[1].jpg

Hope to see some of you at Hugo House in a few hours. There's open mic so you can read too. Come early to get a seat and a parking spot.

Thanks for stopping by,
Esther

free association (beard's gone)

February 28, 2009

He looked so frail tonight, more so than usual. I wish they hadn't shaved his beard off. He looks more like his brother now than he does himself. I don't know why they had to shave his beard off. He's had it over 40 years. I wonder how his face feels to him now? Does he know? Does it itch? When he touches his face does he feel something's missing? They shouldn't have cut his beard off. They should have included me in that decision. I don't know why I feel worse about his beard than I do the cross on his forehead on Ash Wednesday, but I do. They had no business shaving him. I've never seen him without a beard except in pictures when he was young, maybe in his thirties and before. He's lost so much weight, 40 pounds or more and he loses more every day. The speech therapist changed his diet from "pureed" to "mechanical soft," also without consulting me. He can't eat that food, can't swallow, keeps it in his cheeks (called pocketing), until it falls out or he figures how to spit it out. He's so thin. It's better if he drinks a health shake, which provides nutrition, than to worry him with food he can't swallow. He's so thin, he's so so thin, and now his beard's gone. When I got there at 5:30 tonight, he was in the dining room asleep in his wheelchair. He had a paper cup of something slipping out of his hand and most of what had been in the cup was on his shirt. He wasn't the only one. Everyone was waiting for dinner. He had his red t-shirt on. He looks beautiful in red and with the beard gone his face is all pink like a baby's. I took the cup from his hand and wiped his shirt. He continued sleeping, his mouth open, then closed, then open. I don't know why they had to shave his beard off. I loved his beard. Later in bed he wakened a bit but still I couldn't get him to drink, much less eat. He knew me. When I said I love you, he said Me too, smiled a little, then went back to sleep. The sleep's from not refusing his medicine. Yesterday he refused his so ate more, at least I think that's the cause and effect. (The nurse showed me the chart, which is how I know when he did and didn't take his medicine). I can't stand that they shaved him. The first time I saw him shaved last week, I worried more about his face itching and how it would feel as it grew back than anything else. Everybody said how great he looked and he did look great, but now they did it again and so unexpectantly. That's what they do with men in the mornings, one nurse told me. Maybe so, but not to men with beards. Darn it. I wonder how he feels when he's being shaved. It's not as if he doesn't have feelings anymore. He's still Abe, and I'm still Esther. I don't know him without a beard. I didn't know he had little veins in his face or that his ears stuck out like that. I didn't know there was all that vulnerability under a beard. I didn't ever know men were so vulnerable as that.

read more of Witnessing Alzheimer's

Comment:

Posted by Esther Altshul Helfgott at 3/1/09 11:57 a.m.

This isn't true free association. In that process, I include all thoughts and images that come to mind. I include dreams and pictures, colors, tastes and smells. I wouldn't use upper case or punctuation. Lines, words and sentences fall over each other. It's difficult to read.

But here you may get an idea of what happens when I suggest that students free associate on the page to see what themes they are thinking about. There's always plenty of material that emerges, and in the unconscious, of course, there is infinity.

Of Poetry & Exercise

Today when I read from Naomi Shihab Nye's Envy:*

The white cat
on the white chair
lives white minutes
I'm not even in

he said: That's beautiful; and when I started to get up, he said: Don't go.

Imagine. Two sentences. And he looked at me - with mind.

The move to the second floor has been good for him. He's more alert and he shows more affect. Today, as people passed us in the hall, he smiled his crinkly-eyed smile and a young blonde visitor caught his eye.

Meanwhile, I joined the Y and Silver Sneakers, had my first exercise class and consultation with the Y's personal trainer, both good experiences. I especially like doing the strengthening stuff and working out with weights. Who knew?

Thanks for stopping by,
Esther

*Envy by Naomi Shihab Nye in Cats of Cairo: Egypt's Enduring Legacy by Lorraine Chittock.

read more of Witnessing Alzheimer's at the Seattle Post-Intelligencer on line

Ash Wednesday

Feb. 25 '09

Visiting Abe tonight had an interesting twist. I came in after he was washed and readied for bed. He looked sweet. His face was pink and beautifully clean. Except ... the aide must have missed a spot....

read more of Witnessing Alzheimer's at www.seattlepi.com

A dozen darn donuts

I sit by his bed. It's 3:30 p.m. He's sleeping. I watch him for only a few minutes, then tell the aide: "I'll be back." But I don't go back. I leave the nursing home thinking I'll go back/knowing I won't.

Instead, I get in the car and go to Krispy Kreme Donuts. I never go to Krispy Kreme Donuts. I don't buy donuts. I don't eat donuts. I live across the street from Top Hat Donuts and I don't even go in there because I don't buy donuts. I mean never. When did you ever see me buy a donut? read more at Witnessing Alzheimer's: A Caregiver's View, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.com.

Today's Visit

Witnessing Alzheimer's - Feb. 19, 2009

Abe ate by himself

Exciting day. My California son and grandson are here for the week.

At lunch, Abe ate his food (pureed) - some of it - all by himself. He was more alert than I've seen him in awhile.

Notice of an Alzheimer's Anthology I have a poem in just came out. The actual tome should be on the stands in March '09.

Two Seattle readings are already planned. I hope some of you will be able to make it.

May 2 Elliot Bay Books 7:30 pm (time still needs to be confirmed)
May 3 Frye Art Museum 2 pm - I'll be reading here


Beyond Forgetting: Poetry and Prose about Alzheimer's Disease
Edited by Holly J. Hughes

Literature and Medicine Series
2009, 276 pp
ISBN 978-1-60635-007-2

A literary collection that illumines the darkness of Alzheimer's disease

read more of Witnessing Alzheimer's at seattlepi.com

Abe update

Feb 14, 2009 He's moved

Feb 12, 2009 Abe's Move & the It's About Time Writers Reading Series

Feb 10, 2009 Watching Avalon

Alzheimer's, illness & God

Feb 5th & 6th, 2009: God, God I will look for you ....

Feb. 3, 2009 Illness, aging & poetry

Alzheimer's, caregiving & movies

Feb. 3, 2009: Movies, Black history month & Octavia E. Butler

Feb. 2, 2009: Thanks for checking in

read more on Witnessing Alzheimer's at www.seattlepi.com